Y’all don’t know how hard it is bein’ one of the few guy bloggers here in Paris. I gotta compete with other guys who know tons more about all this crap than I ever will plus I got the extra pressure of all these women blogging about macaroons and scarves…and I don’t like macaroons, plus (shhh) I’ve never even worn a scarf in my entire life as a human bean.

So I’ve decided to “spice” up Paris Inspired with bad trailer park puns and recipes to smoke out female readership with those smells a-waftin’. Tonight, I present Kebab-Frites Pizza.

For those of you unaware of my culinary vocabulary, “Kebab” is the Parisian word for a hunk o’ mutton (probably; at least I like to think it’s mutton) whose shavings are placed in stale pita bread with soggy french fries (that’d be the frites part of the show) on top. The Kebab-Frites is the height of French cuisine for me and no matter how much you may insist to the contrary, it is French cuisine for me. My favorite American food is pizza (yes, it’s American–there’s a reason they call it Pizza Hut and not Pizza Capanna, am I right?). So during my Trailer Park Paris staycation, I decided to combine the best of both worlds into one delicious bilingual meal.

For you monologists, a kebab-frites is a gyro with stale pita bread and fries on top (for the Americans), or a fish and chips with lamb instead of fish and a pita instead of a newspaper (for the Brits). Either way, it tastes pretty darn good on pizza.

Kebab-Frites Pizza

• Difficulty: 2 horseshoes (don’t try it if you drunk more than a 6-pack)
• Price: A 12-pack (medium)
• Serves: 2 sober guys (or 1 drunk guy but keep him away from the oven)

Ingredients:

• Frozen kebab meat
• Already made pizza crust
• Already made tomato sauce (with olives if you like them or mushrooms if you like them but not with meat even if you like it ’cause there’s already enough on the pizza as it is)
• Oven fries
• One of those French bricks of mozzarella cheese
• At least one 8.0 Royal Club beer (8% alcohol)

Optional:

• Crushed red peppers
• Pizza Hut spicy oil in a plastic pack

(Just a note that, except for the ‘optional’ crap, pretty much everything here is available at Leader Price. If you wanna take the risk and buy better quality stuff, don’t come crying to me if it all goes to hell. )

Disclaimer

Just because I survived eating this (and found it really freaking good), doesn’t mean you will. If you get sick from eating this garbage, Paris Paul and the Paris Inspired cannot be held responsible. I’m irresponsible, is what I’m saying—y’all should of known better than to listen to me in the first place.

Directions

1. Open up and start drinking the Royal Club beer. Trust me, you wanna be drinking when you make Kebab-Frites Pizza. (Hopefully you put the brewsky in the fridge a while ago because that stuff is nasty when it’s warm.)
2. Preheat the oven to whatever degrees it says on the bag for the oven fries. [Note: I accidentally got "Rustic fries" because they were out of "allumettes fries" and apparently "allumettes" means "skinny" in French because they're normaler than the thick ones. Anyway, my recipe turned out OK, but I think it would of been better with skinny fries.]
3. While the oven’s preheating, shred the mozzarella cheese.
4. ‘Cause it took so long to shred the cheese, the oven should be ready for the fries so put ‘em in. Set the timer for at least 5 minutes longer than what it says on the bag because them’s some lying bastiches with broken watches that write stuff for bags.
5. While the fries are cooking, unroll the already made pizza dough.
6. Oh yeah, I forgot, you should of done this step before so maybe it should be Step 4½, or I guess you could still do it now. Put the kebab meat (but not the plastic bags with the rock hard frozen pita bread that you can throw away for all you’ll be needing it for this recipe) in a no-stick pan and start heating your meat on a high setting until it starts sizzling, then turn it down a notch or two.
7. Spread the already made sauce on the pizza and sprinkle most of the mozzarella on top, but not all of it because you’ll be needing like a handful or a little more later.
   

   Mmmmm–Saucy

8. Is the meat sizzling yet? Stir it a little. You wanna cook it so it’s not too too cooked because you don’t want it to get too crunchy on the pizza. If you cook it the exact length of time it says on the bag then it should be just underdone enough.
9. Hopefully the fries are done now, too. If not, no big deal just turn the burner for the meat off and cover the pan so no germs can get on it while you wait. This is also a good time to have some more beer.
10. When the fries are crispy but not burnt, take them out of the oven and let them cool while you scoop the meat on tip of the pizza. Whatever you do, don’t let the way it looks freak you out.
    

    Is that kebab or did someone stomach sneeze on my pizza?

11. Quick put the fries on top before you get too freaked out.
    

    Yeah, that’s a lot better.

12. Scatter the rest of the cheese on top and stick it back in the oven. (I forgot to tell you not to turn the oven off, but if you’ve been following what I told you then you didn’t anyway, but then you should pro’lly go and make sure the burner from the meat is turned off.)
13. Put the pizza in the oven for however long the pizza crust package said you should. Plus 5 minutes, I bet (the bastiches).
14. Take it out when it looks as good as this.
    

    Laugh now, but wait til you eat it.

15. If you feel like it and you got it lying around, you could add some crushed spicy red pepper and some of that Pizza Hut hot oil in a pack that you can only get in France.

    

Digestion

You may wanna wait to try this when you got a couple days ahead of you, like a staycation or something. And it might be a good idea to keep a selection of Uncle John’s Bathroom Readers on hand or any other literature you like for the toilet just in case.

Click here if you’re not ready to leave the Trailer Park just yet.