For your listening pleasure while you prepare this black velvet Elvis of desserts: Olivia Ruiz – La Femme Chocolat

I know how impressed y’all were by the Kebab-Frites Pizza, but now I hear you drawling out in that whiny tone you got, “Paul, thanks buttloads for the dinner tip, but what about dessert? Don’t Trailer Park Parisians have a recipe for a dessert pizza? After all, if anyone can pastry pimp my ‘za, it’s gotta be the French, right?”

Ooh, you have no idea just how right you are. I’m here to show you how you can trailer park up any meal with a delicious dessert that is not only fun to make but also quite bad for you and fattening to boot.

Sweeza: the bastard offspring of what happens after dinner met dessert, screwed her over and left her barefoot and pregnant. Sweeza: putting the “pie” back in “pizza pie”. Sweeza, which I for sure tested out on Anaïs, my girl-child in the wild, my barbed wire belle, my trailer park rose.

Sweeza

• Difficulty Level: Instant eye shadow (or “easy as Chérie at the Cafe de la Gare after she’s drunk up all her pinard money”)
• Price: Cheap as Desiree after she’s had 2 Bahama Mama wine coolers
• Serves: You and little Jack plus one other ma (but not Berangere ’cause she’ll eat it all) and one fruit of her lions

Ingredients

• Already made pizza crust
• A handful of Creme Anglaise (runny custard in a box)
• About 4-5 lines of almond powder (enough to beef up the frenchie cream)
• A double shot glass of almond chips
• A banana
• A bottle of Rosé of the Vallée

Optional

• Candy sprinkles
• Chocolate sprinkles
• Chocolate chips
• Chocolate sauce
• Caramel sauce
• Raspberry sauce
• Nutella (but go easy on the nutella because after it cooks it looks like what Brad Pittbull squirts out in the parking lot when he gets into the kitchen trash the morning after Blood Sausage night–check out the photo, you don’t believe me)
• Strawberries
• Whip cream
• A shot of rum or knock off Grand Marnier if you want the brood to take a nap after

Directions

1. Put on Drive-by Truckers Southern Rock Opera or Patrick Sébastien’s Greatest Hits (yeah, plural, ’cause apparently there’s more than one). This step is more important than you think and if you skip it, don’t come all whining to me about how your Sweeza sucked dough balls.
2. Unscrew the cap on the wine and pour yourself a glass, especially if you’re making this with the kids, which I suggest because it’s dead easy and fun for the fittle luckers.
3. Preheat the oven to whatever degrees it says on the all ready instant pizza dough.
4. Unroll the already dough thing in a pie pan. I keep the paper on the dough so it doesn’t crud up my pan any worse than it already is.
5. Roll over a flap of dough on the edge to make a crust. (Anaïs’s tip: press a fork around the crust to make it look frilly as pink chiffon and a plastic tiara on a Little Miss.)
6. Instead of pizza sauce: In an uncracked bowl, pour in ¾ ‘merican coffee cups of the runny custard (and the rip-off Grand Marnier, if you’re so reclined). Keep adding and mixing the almond powder until it’s thicker than virgin egg nog but not as thick as flapjack batter. Pour this onto the crust.
7. Instead of cheese: Cover the ‘za with the double shot glass of chipped almonds.
8. Replace the almonds with wine and hit it.
9. Instead of pepperoni: Cut up the banana into slices and plop them right on top. (Anaïs’s tip: Add a drop of red food coloring on each one to make it color coordinated with real pepperonis.)
10. Now’s when you add on any of the other extra crap like candy sprinkles, chocolate chips or strawberries (like in the picture). Also the Nutella, but check out again the picture of Nutella on a Sweeza up there and think twice before you go and do that.
11. The oven should be heated by now. If it isn’t, have another glass of rosé and wait a couple minutes. If it is, stick the Sweeza in the oven and pour a glass after.
12. Sip the wine and wait whatever time it said on the pizza crust pack that you already threw away and now you gotta dig back in the trash and find but it’s OK because it’s right on top. You might wanna set the timer depending on how much Rosé of the Vallée you already drunk. Just sayin’.
13. After it’s done, take it out and pour on the caramel / chocolate / raspberry sauce. I think you should just pick one of these because you wouldn’t want to go mixing them ’cause that’d be like drinking beer after Bailey’s.
14. Have another glass of wine and let Sweeza cool down and then stick it in the fridge for a couple hours.
15. Take it out and serve cold, with the whip cream if you want.
16. Bone Appetite!

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