You may think you’ve had a pizza with “everything” but “everything” is a big word. You want your taste buds to blossom? Check out a real foodie blog. But if you want your taste buds to wither and die and grow back more beautiful than ever like a jailhouse tattoo of a phoenix…you came to the right place.

I turned many heads and even more stomachs with the revolutionary Kebab-Frites Pizza. I raised eybrows and people’s lunches with Sweeza. Now, you ask, what is left for Pizza? What is Paris Paul’s next “Ate Crime”?

Today I’m attacking Taco Pizza, so stand back and watch the gratuitous spilling of salsa. Truth be told, the Taco Pizza is one sentence I’ve actually served my children and can imagine serving to guests if I can find a captive audience. The jury’s still out on the kebab-frites pizza, but I think anyone can stomach the Taco Pizza.

For your listening pleasure while you prepare this closest thing France has to Mexican food, why not listen to the closest thing France has to Mexican music? Here, then, is a traditional Mexican song sung by a charming French woman.

Jaël (vocals) and Deepak Sohanpal (guitar) – La Llorna

Taco Pizza – It’s a crime not to try it, but the real crime would be bludgeoing a complete stranger to death with it

• Difficulty Level: Like stealing nachos from a bambino (ok, not really, more like stealing nachos from a 7-11, which is still pretty easy, you gotta admit)
• Price: 3 – 7 (dollars, not years) per ‘za
• Serves: Two to a pizza but you can get some more for good behavior

Ingredients

• Ready made pizza crust
  

  Out On Potation

• Chair de tomate / Liquidy tomato sauce
• A ball of mozzarella / small bag of shredded mozzarella
• Half a bag of corn chips
• A big chunk of shredded mimolette / cheddar cheese
• A raw hamburger patty
• French Mexican spices
• Black olives
• Onions
• Lettuce
• Guacamole
• Creme fraiche
• Salsa (French or spicy, you know which kind you like, why are you asking me for?)

Optional

• Jalapeños
• Hot sauce
• American taco spice
• Generic, private label tequila flavored cerveza

Directions

1. Play the above: Luce Dufault – Besame Mucho
2. While listening to that, preheat the oven to whatever degrees it says on the all ready instant pizza dough.
3. Unroll the pizza dough with the paper still under it on a cookie sheet.
4. This next step is important. Instead of tomato sauce, use the chair de tomateswhich Google Translate tells me in English we call “Flesh of Tomatoes” which is only a little step better than calling it “Tomato Chairs”. Whatever you want to call it, it’s like tomato sauce without the sauce. It’s like watery tomato sauce or tomato sauce without the skins. Yes, I will ask the wife for her help on this. (We plea bargained it down to “tomato purée”, or “canned diced tomatoes”.)
   

   Bloody Pulp

5. Dump half a jar of chair de tomates (or whatever) on the naked crust and spread it around with a spoon butt.
6. Take your mozzarella ball and shred it. If you have no idea what I’m talking about, it means you live in a civilized country where you can just buy some pre-shredded mozzarella in a bag and spread it over the pizza.
7. Lay out a layer of corn chips on top of the mozzarella. It has to go here and you’ll see why in the next step.
8. Sprinkle the raw hamburger over the chips. See, what’s going to happen is the chips are going to absorb the juice from the cooking hamburger meat so the chips won’t be all crunchy when the pizza is done.
9. Salt the ‘za with the French Mexican spices and, if you’re like me, a great friend bought you authentic Mexican taco seasoning from America you can use.
10. Add all the miscellaneous crap like the black olives, onions, jalapeños…
11. Cover everything with a layer of shredded mimolette cheese (which is the closest French equivalent you’ll ever find to cheddar, so if you can get your hands on cheddar, you should go with that).
    

    The Meat Will Be Tried

12. If you’re slow like me, doing all the above should have taken you long enough that the oven is now preheated. Stick the pizza in solitary confinement (in the oven) and wait for the amount of time it said on the pizza crust instruction package.
13. While you wait you could try to see how much you remember of the Macarena or “La  Bamba” while you cut up the lettuce into little pieces.
14. When it comes out of the oven, the cheese should be melted and the meat should be cooked all the way through.
15. Take the lettuce and spread that over the top of the pizza.
16. In the center, schlack a wallop of guacamole right in the middle.
17. On top of that, schlack down a slightly smaller wallop of crème fraiche, which is fancy French sour cream so you can just be normal and use sour cream if you want or if you live in the States.
18. On top of that, deposit a dollop of salsa.
19. Let that hodgepodge settle in and get to know the pizza well enough to make itself at home in the Big House, then slice and serve.

Bonne Chance & Bone Appetite!

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