You struggled with my Kebab-Frites Pizza. You fought to keep the Taco Pizza down and spilled your guts to my Sweeza. Now, just when you thought it was safe to go back on the internet, i unleash this beast to bludgeon your taste buds.
What is the latest monstrosity I’ve cooked up in my lab? Straight from the Trailer Park, the unholy marriage between Tex-Mex and Fat Food has spawned this bastardization: Frankenggets. Half nachos / half chicken nuggets / half fridge contents pumped onto the plate, it’s all you’ll need to induce an artificial food coma.
Nacho Nuggets rose up from South of the Border and crossed over the line like an inedible alien trespassing into your heart. To soothe the savage treat, you should try listening to another Mexican crossover, the very late Jenny Rivera and her song about the fifth food group: Tequila.
Frankenuggets – It is alive, or at least ‘alive’ got for you today.
- Difficulty Level: not too scary
- Price: less than ten bones
- Serves: 2 of my friends, 4 of yours, more if you just want to use it as ‘crappetizers’, which any food doctorer worth his salt could totally do
- A box of 25 recycled chicken parts
- Artificial cheeseburger cheese / Velveeta
- Shredded Swiss cheese in a bag
- Real Tomatoes
- Olives (get black olives with no pits if you can, and then send some to me here in Trailer Park, Paris where we have to make our own and it’s…the pits [oh please, like you haven’t heard me say worse–and yet you still come back for more]
- Sour cream / Crème fraiche (the sourer, the fraicher)
- Half a jar of salsa
- A couple grown-up spoons of guacamole (and if you make your own, don’t blame me if your nuggets aren’t as freaky as mine)
- A bag of lettuce but you’ll only need like a third of it–wouldn’t want it to be too healthy
- Hot sauce
- Dips: Barbecue sauce, Greek sauce, samurai (spicy liquid cheese) sauce, mayonnaise, yellow mustard, ketchup…
- Tequila shots
- Start playing Jenni and crank up the oven to whatever wattage it says on the box of nuggets
- While the oven is making like a freshly exhumed corpse (i.e. warming up), cut up the onions, the jalapeños and the tomatoes (lazy ass tip: buy cherry tomatoes–you just have to cut them in half and they don’t spill their guts all over the place)
- Line up the nuggets on a metal tray and slide it like a morgue drawer into the hot oven
- Now you can get dirt under your fingernails by ripping the pits from the olives
- Cover your ‘serving plate’ (or ‘pie tin’ as we say in the Trailer Park) with some of the bag lettuce
- When the nuggets are done, take them out before they get cremated
- Pile them up on a paper plate and cover them with imitation cheeseburger cheese slices (or Velveeta if you’re in the States) and shredded Swiss cheese
- Put the plate in the microwave and nuke them puppies until the cheese is melted
- Now comes a delicate operation: you’re going to slide the melted nugget mass onto the lettuce. Just hold the paper plate over the serving plate and tilt it enough so that when the Frankenuggets start sliding off, you can move the plate and they’ll land evenly across the salad
- Schlop a glob of sour cream, then guacamole and at the end some salsa
- Sprinkle the onions, olives, tomatoes over the hot steaming mess (and the jalapeños and any other crap you want)
- Hurry up and eat them before the cheese turns back into plastic